“…Because I Need to Make Money and Hooking and Selling Blow Wasn’t Working Out.” / Plan B Careers

2 Aug

Remember how I said I was really excited about being a professor? I really am. It’s getting closer to the time where I’ll be leaving my internship, and co-workers are getting curious as to why I’m’ leaving. “I’m starting a PhD program”, I say. “I want to be a college professor when I grow up.”

“Then what are you doing here?” A valid question, but the delivery is usually pretty off. It sounds more like, “Are you out of your GD mind?”

My gut reaction is to answer with the title of this blog post, but then I realized that my internship would probably be cut shorter than it already is and would include a beefy security guard escorting me and my belongings out the front door. Either that, or I would imagine all of the older women who sit around me would faint like stereotypically proper Southern women who faint in the movies (My, my! I do declare I have a case of the vapors!” ::falls onto fainting couch::).

Side note – I would make a terrible hooker:

But really – why am I working in a corporate environment if I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a classroom and lab? Let me put it this way: have you ever had a professor who didn’t have real-world experience? I was fortunate enough throughout my academic journey to have professors who actually knew what the crap they were talking about. Except for one. And he drove me motherfreakin’ batsh*t crazy. He had worked – don’t get me wrong – but the last year in which he worked outside of an academic building was in the 1970s. That’s a really long time and the world has *definitely* changed since then.

At any rate, working in an office does give me some transferable skills. For one, I’m really good at making PowerPoints and giving presentations. It boosts my confidence when I pull off a meeting with a senior manager and manage to sound intelligent. Usually being the youngest person in an office environment, I become self-conscious about sounding competent.  But, I digress.

What else would I be doing if I didn’t have the insatiable urge to teach college? Here is the short list of things I’m considering as a back-up plan:

  • Race car driver: I love driving fast. Just ask the gentleman I cut off for no reason this morning. Also “race car” is a palindrome. Boom.
  • Baker: Ok, this one is more serious than a race car driver (which would be really fun!). I think I’m pretty good at baking and enjoy making people happy with my delightful treats. Also, baking is surprisingly therapeutic.
  • Kindergarten teacher: I have a lot of energy and I love little kids. When I was in middle school, I helped out at an afterschool program for preschool and kindergarten students. When they’re not arguing about who had the toy first or who pushed who, they’re actually freakin’ adorable and fun to be around. As an ESFJ, I’m pretty nurturing by nature – I think it could be a good match.
  • Broadway star: This one is a bit of a stretch, but I’ve been singing my whole life. I did drama in junior high and high school and was always in the musicals. I would love to sing for a living. I know it would be a hard lifestyle, as many who actually strive to reach this goal fall short (very few are very lucky), but just one day could be an awesome experience.
  • Professional coloring book colorer: This is a thing, right? Can we please make this a thing?

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