“Save Your Tears For The Bathroom” / Things I Learned This Summer

16 Aug

My advisor gave the advice above to us in one of my first grad school classes (shout out G$L!).

Full disclosure: I cried last night. I cried this morning. However, I’ve gone through an entire work day and haven’t cried yet. I don’t plan on “losing my sh*t” for the rest of the day.

“But Beezy, why are you so sad?” Thanks for inquiring, friend.

It started with an email. A fairly harmless beginning, one would assume. The email came from a blog I subscribe to, letting me know that they had put together what they claimed to be an all-encompassing list of the best apps for back-to-school. Sh*t. I should probably start thinking about that.

So I did, which meant that I should probably recharge my iPad. I haven’t touched it in 2 months and it was dead-er than Ryan Lochte’s potential career as a particle physicist. As soon as it had enough juice to come back to life, I updated my neglected piece of technology and sat down to add the new apps that were supposedly sure to help with my education. Hey, if it’s free, I’ll give it a go. I had it in my hands and felt an odd sensation: I’m going back to my old routine.
“NO!,” I thought. “After being in CBus for so long, I’ve developed a new way of doing things; my new routines are better! I don’t want to start over AGAIN.”

And then I thought for a really long while.

I thought about how my experiences here have really transformed me into the person I want to become. I now go to bed at an appropriate hour and am early to rise and start my day. I’ve learned that I’m more productive in the morning and that I dislike the feeling of wasting the day away in bed. I like my new bed and my new bedtime routine and how often I go to the gym. I want to keep all those things and I know how hard it is to transport it all.

Moving from Philly, it was easy to give up my former routines because they were unhealthy and difficult to transport to CBus. It was so easy to start over. When I was in Philly, I was in an, um, interesting relationship. I felt dead for the most of it, I’m not going to lie. Just going through the motions. It started when he cheated on me, and I – unlike the strong, confident woman I would have liked to be – took him back. After that, I forgot what it was like to really feel something special for another person – and that I should be valued in whatever relationship I’m in. My work suffered. My personal well-being suffered.

Until I ended it. That was the beginning of my rebirth, if you will. I started some new routines that I was able to bring with me (like blogging more frequently, spending more time with friends, taking charge of my health and wellness, etc.) and surrounded myself with people who were supportive of my new way of life.

I think one of the reasons I’m so upset is the fact that I can’t take people with me to Buffalo: The people who have listened to me, given me advice, went on fun adventures with me, shared their successes and failures, and taught me how to be a good friend and person. I know I’m not saying “Goodbye” – just “See you later.” They make phones and Skype and cars and airplanes for a reason. I know I’m going to meet new people who are going to make my experience fantastic, but I’m still in that “I’m scared for the first day of school” stage.

Uncertainty and ambiguity make me uncomfortable. I do my best with them when I can, but if I am given the opportunity to gain some clarity and solidify some things, you better believe I’ll jump all over it.

Besides the whole “having to uproot once again” thing, I’ll be honest, I’m sad that Josh left last night. I’m glad that I got to spend as much time as possible with him, but still sad that this concludes our Columbus adventures. For now, of course :). I’m always eager to visit a new state and I’ve never been to the Dakotas before. He’s a really special person that makes me feel really special too. You can tell that I like him.

For now, I’m going to go home, continue packing my things, and rock out to some sweet, sweet tunes. But first, my department is throwing me a going-away party tonight. I’m going to eat pizza, and laugh, and enjoy my last Thursday night here. I’m sure I’ll have some more “upbeat” posts when I actually start as a doctoral student, but for now, thanks for allowing me to work some things out. 🙂




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